I just feel… disconnected.
This is ranty and boring so don’t feel like you have to read it, it’s more of a retrospective/thinking to myself while I type thing. :3
(To My Dear Ariana: A letter to my niece)
Es Titi Yelitza, ¡espero que estés bien! Quería decirte que te quiero mucho y que me haces mucha falta y te extraño. ¡Que bueno si yo estuviera en tu casa contigo! ¡Eres bien importante para mi! También tenía algo más que decirte. Aunque solo tienes cuatro años, ¡desde el viernes pasado eres hermana mayor! Wow! ¡Debes estar bien contenta! ¡Que bueno es tener un hermanito! Ser una hermana mayor es algo muy especial. ¡Es super especial! Ya eres una niña grande, y eso quiere decir que tienes muchas cosas grandes que hacer. ¡Mamá va a necesitar mucha ayuda de su niña especial! Recuerda siempre ayudar a Mama y a Papá con tu hermanito Sammy, y también a Abuela y Abuelo. Recuerda siempre portarte bien y seguir las instrucciones que Mama te da. ¡Eso va a hacer a Mamá muy contenta! Y ahora que eres una hermana mayor, recuerda siempre cuidar a tu hermanito Sammy. El también te quiere mucho y necesita tu ayuda. Sammy es un bebé ahora mismo, pero un día será un niño grande como tu, y como ya tu fuiste bebé, Sammy va a necesitar que tu lo ayudes a crecer. Aunque solo es un bebé, puedes hablar con Sammy y contarle muchos cuentos, también puedes cantar tus canciones favoritas. Cuando Sammy sea un poquito más grande, puedes enseñarle todos tus juegos favoritos para que juegue contigo. En muchos años, Sammy va a ir a la escuela como tu, vas a tener que enseñarle todas las cosas que aprendiste en la escuela, ¡no las olvides!
Un día, después de muchos años, tu vas a ser una niña bien grande, como Mamá, Abuela y Titi Elisabet y yo. Sammy también va a ser un niño grande como Papá y Abuelo. Recuerda que aunque Sammy sea grande, tu siempre vas a ser su hermana mayor y siempre deberías cuidarlo y quererlo mucho. Sammy también te va a querer a ti. Ser hermana mayor es mucho trabajo, pero tu lo puedes hacer, porque tu sabes muchas cosas y eres inteligente. Es un gran trabajo, ¿estas lista? ¡Que bueno que sí!
Recuerda que todos te queremos mucho! Mama y Papa, Abuelo y Abuela, y Titi Elisabet y yo también. Siempre vas a ser muy especial!
My twin sister had a baby boy last Friday. He is my first nephew. She already has a daughter, my four year old niece. I am incredibly attached to her and miss her like crazy. Although I already sent her a package with some goodies last week, I decided to write her a letter expressing the things that are difficult to say over the phone or over Skype. While I am publishing this here, I will send her a hand-written letter that her mom may read to her. The letter talks about how important being a big sister is, and how I hope she helps out and helps take care of her little brother, and remind her that she is very loved. I will also be writing a letter to my nephew with the hopes that my sister will save it and maybe read it to him when he is older, or that I will be able to tell him in person some day.
They are thousands of miles away and while I am incredibly grateful that I have a job, a place to live, and someone who loves me here, I miss them terribly every day and missing out on the things going on in their lives has been very difficult for me. It is hard to type this without crying.
I used to be able to write really eloquent (or so I was told), interesting, well-written blog articles and journal entries back in the day. I also used to read a lot more then. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve spent so much time online that I seem to have lost some of my vocabulary and descriptive/emotive abilities, or perhaps I was just an emo kid and so everything came out all “poetic” and pretty-like. I was told once that I wrote in a sort of “poetic prose” style, and I miss that.
This entry isn’t like that though, as much as I would like it to be, because I don’t know how to write like that anymore. I do genuinely feel like I have lost that. I remember in high school and college whenever essays where assigned, my thought was always “awesome, no problem!” because it was one of the things I knew I would excel at. Never received a bad mark on one. Writing an essay for my grad school application? Piece of cake! Flowery words and beautiful imagery where not foreign concepts to me. In English OR Spanish. I’ve always struggled more with figuring out WHAT to write about, but once I have a topic, actually writing it out always came easily.
However this entry is not one of those. This entry is my attempt at trying to piece my thoughts together. I don’t know if maybe it’s my anxiety being more severe now than it was back then, though I remember it being fairly dark even then. My thoughts now feel so jumbled that I am having trouble even piecing out what it is that I want to say in the first place. You’ve noticed this I’m sure, if you’ve been following my word. What I think most people can get out in a few paragraphs takes me walls of text to convey. I would apologize for that but I don’t really feel sorry, and I don’t think I should feel sorry. Is it something I should work on in order to become a better writer? Probably, but this is personal.
At this point I am going to cut/hide the rest of this, read it if you wish but I do not want to impose my words upon anyone and have people feel offended or annoyed at me because of what I said.
My stomach’s been bothering me a lot lately. Been going on for a couple of weeks or so.
I’m going to put the rest of this behind a cut because I’m figuring most people will consider this TMI and few care to read about these kind of things, or read another #firstworldproblem rant about digestive issues.
Or maybe it’s just “Shy Girl Problems”?
This is not what I originally came here to “blog” about, believe it or not. A few days ago I finished a necklace as a mother’s day gift for my mom. I took pictures of the progress with the intention of blogging about it, as I hear that’s apparently a good thing to do if you’re an artist (of any sort). I got my pictures all nice and ready to go, made a new tumblr photoset post and then proceeded to stare at the screen. I didn’t know how to start.
Maybe this is what’s referred to as writer’s/artist’s block, I’m honestly not entirely sure because I’ve always considered artist block to be what I’m currently going through in terms of my painting and drawing, where I can’t even think of what to paint/draw, so starting doesn’t even come into question. I don’t generally have problems starting a piece, it’s having an idea or concept that’s the issue. So for me, this wasn’t quite the same, as I knew what I wanted to talk about and had everything ready to go, I just didn’t know how to start. I like to blame my anxiety for things like that, because my mind feels like such a jumbled mess that I don’t even know where to begin most of the time. However I’m now wondering if it’s really anxiety making it that way or if it’s just my personality, a personality flaw, if you will. I’ve always thought of it though as if my anxiety does shape and define my personality, because this is what you live with, day in and day out, so that’s what you end up adapting to.